16 years without my mother

To be honest I really hadn't planned on publishing this post.  Today marks the 16 year anniversary of my mothers death.  Most  days I get through with no problem, I have moved on in my life and time has for the most part healed the wounds of the pain I felt from losing her.  But every year on this day I do get sad.  I miss her and hate the fact that she has missed out on so much in my life and will miss out on so many important things to come, like Saturday is my engagement party and she won't be there and such a happy occasion will have a hint of sadness for me.

My moms death was sudden to me, but if you were to ask her friends and family they would probably tell you that they saw it coming.  My mother was a high functioning alcoholic, she hid it well for a long time and was able to get through life without a lot of people knowing.  Unfortunately, with any addiction it takes its toll and once it has you so far down the rabbit hole you either have to fight like hell or give up.

I was only 16 when she died, the last thing that I ever expected was to bury one of my parents.  You think that they will always be there and I took that for granted.  As I got older I started to see the cracks in her facade and the reality of how bad her addiction to alcohol became very clear to me.  But again I was 16, I shouldn't have been concerned with my moms life spiraling out of control. But as soon as it looked like she was at the bottom she would turn herself around and give me hope that she was changing.  Sadly it was just the cycle of sobriety followed by a relapse.

I remember that anytime I found a bottle of alcohol I would pour it out, like if it's gone she can't have it, or will at least have to work to go get more.  I thought her sleeping all the time was normal, and that the smell of alcohol on her breath was just something she always smelled like.  Looking back I clearly realize that having a box of franzia with plastic cups in the trunk was completely not normal...and illegal to consume while driving, but for a long time that was my normal.

To some people I am sure she sounds like a terrible mother but she wasn't.  She taught me so much about life and led a prime example of what I didn't want my life to be like.  Until her last breath she did as best as she could to make sure I was taken care of and that my best interest was always front and center.  Her addiction did get in the way of that at times but I was never lacking of things I needed, and when her life got so out of control that my safety was in danger she chose for me to live with my dad in a safe and loving environment.  I just want you to think for a second how dramatic that was for 10 year old me.  I had lived with my mom the majority of my life and after a terrifying night involving her abusive alcohol fueled ex-husband (not my dad) I was sent to live in a new state with my dad in the middle of the night.

I won't lie I was mad at her and God for a long time.  I felt it wasn't fair and that I mentally wasn't built to withstand all the pain and sorrow that comes along with loss.  I struggled with depression and anxieties for a really long time, but I whole heartedly believe we are never given more than we can bare.  I think the worst feeling was that of abandonment, I felt lost and hurt immediately after her passing.  And I had so many regrets, things I wish I had said or done.

Her addiction and death gave me the tools and know how to deal with events that have occurred in my life today.  Without the lessons she taught me I wouldn't have been able to help others and I possibly could have gone down a reckless path myself.  I value my relationships with friends and family so differently and value life as something so precious and worth living and protecting.

I guess if I had to say anything about this my message would be there is hope and that you will get through it, wether it is a loss or someone close to you battling something.  Life is always worth fighting for and you are stronger than you think you are.  I never viewed myself as a strong person but the more and more I get through life's situations I realize that I am strong.  I think it is okay to be sad sometimes because let's be honest, when I got engaged all I wanted to do was call my mom and tell her about it and plan our mother daughter trip to try on dresses, but I can't and thats really freaking depressing to know that one of the most special moments in my life will be missed by the one person I want there more than anything .  You will have ups and downs but if you surround yourself with good people who will be there for you I promise you will have more ups than downs.

So have a great Thursday, and hug the ones you love a little tighter!

Amelia B.